Struggling

Currently I feel like my brain never shuts down...

From the time I wake up until my head hits the pillow, it is like my brain is running at 120km/hr.  

I am super stressed.  We have to raise R60,000 in order to fund our IVF treatment (read our story here) & I cannot stop thinking of/praying for fundraising ideas or some kind of miracle.

Because I am stressed I am not sleeping properly at night time.  I am in pain with my endometriosis & cysts; & this pain often wakes me up as well.  Because I am not sleeping properly, my Myasthenia Gravis is acting up.

I am battling with slurring my words right from when I wake up - usually this only happens from about lunch time when I am starting to get a bit tired, but now I seem to arrive at work battling to get my words out properly.  It is so frustrating as I want to keep people updated with our IVF journey & what raffles etc we are currently running, but it is too much effort to get my words out.  I get tired so quickly & cannot say a full sentence without the words coming out wrong.

I find I am also battling to swallow.  For example the other night I couldn't swallow my dinner so husband ended up getting me a smoothie as it is easier to get down & I can't choke on any small pieces of food that may go down the wrong pipe.  And when I eat then my talking goes down even more!  It is a vicious circle I am currently in & I am battling to see my way out.

Myasthenia Gravis is something that never leaves the sufferer.  Normal daily activities can worsen it to such a degree that you may need to be hospitalised.  I never know what the day is going to bring & how I will cope.  We try manage it to the best of our abilities & my husband is amazing at cooking dinner, cleaning up around the house or distracting our animals so I can go have a rest.  But, I still need to live my life!  I need to be able to go visit friends or go shopping at the mall.  I need to be a 26 year old & not some old lady that has given up on being able to have fun with her friends.

Enjoying a wedding with this man by my side

Some days I feel like I am superwoman & almost 'normal' but then reality kicks in & I am reminded that my MG still controls what I can & cannot do.  I cannot run up & down stairs when I'm in a rush at work; & I have had to put away my high heels as I cannot walk in them without falling over.  My eyes hurt coz I can't close them so they are extremely dry & by the end of the day I am seeing double of everything!

Last night I had a dream that one of the directors at the company where I work came up to me & told me that I am not living my life the way I should be & I need to look at my priorities.  He said I was disappointing him with certain decisions I have been making.  Is that my subconscious?  Do I know that I am old before my time?  Do I realise that I have too much stress in my life right now & I need to let some go?  What am I doing that isn't good for me or isn't good for my health?  I went & spoke to the director today & he asked me to take a look at my life as maybe I am being too hard on myself.

It is my birthday on Saturday & this is the first year I have not felt like celebrating.  I have too much going on in my mind & would rather my birthday just pass by as another normal day so I can focus on what is really important.  This is so unusual for me.  I am one of those annoying people that starts talking about my birthday a month before; planning a party with friends & family; & creates a wish-list just in case anyone asks!  I actually forgot it was my birthday until the other day when my brother asked me what I would like as a gift.

I currently feel like I am snowed under worries & concerns & just trying to cope with getting through each day.  It is not for lack of support & love received from very special people - friends; family; & even strangers have been sending me amazing messages & supporting us financially (towards our IVF) when possible.  We are going through some major changes in our lives & I hate the fact that MG has robbed us of living a 'normal' life & destroyed my dream of falling pregnant naturally.  We don't even know if my eggs can be fertilised & the fertility specialist said this is largely due to having an autoimmune disease.

But, I will fight through this.  I will come out victorious & share a miracle with the world when it comes.  I am in a daily battle with myself & against my body.  Time is against us & I am praying for the day when a doctors visit gives us good news & not another shock.  Just when I think we have heard it all & we are coping with our full capacity, we are thrown another curveball.  Not too sure how much more I can handle to be honest!

I am emotional,
I am raw,
I am hurting.
I am terrified.
Please pray.


P.S.  If you would like to support us on our journey to IVF, I have an online fundraising platform here & am constantly running different raffles with some amazing prizes sponsored by some very kind people!  We are also organising different fundraising events & are open to any more ideas that you may have.  Thank you xxx